Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Mom Alienation, losing non-mom friends...

Becoming a mom is life changing. Nothing is the same. You change your whole view of the world, priorities, thoughts, relationships, etc. Nothing is left unaffected.

Having a baby is a beautiful thing, but the very MOMENT you find out you are going to be a mother you aren't the same.
The only bad thing is that your friends become different towards you too. Mainly we are talking about your non-mom friends. Not all of them will do this, but there will be some.
Now this is not to say that the non-mom friends are bad people. Not at all. I guess you have to see it from both perspectives and add the fact that everyone is different.

When I found out I was pregnant all the people close to me were very excited right along with me. However, that quickly changed as I started changing. After all I now was growing a life inside me, I wanted to get ready for the baby. I couldn't go out and party with friends anymore. I still hung out with some of them and we would see movies, go swimming, just hang out, etc. But it wasn't the same.
I was tired often, I no longer wanted to stay out late, I didn't want to drive around, etc. I wanted to go home and crochet baby blankets, I wanted to shop for baby clothes instead of other stuff, etc. It may sound boring but that's just who I became. I didn't think badly of my friends who got to go out and have a good time. I even still enjoyed hearing their stories, but some of them had no interest in hearing mine. Friendship goes both ways, and that's the main thing to remember.

Once I had my first son things some friends separated even more from me. I noticed it but didn't fret too much. We were both different people now. Or as some of them seen it they stayed the same while I changed. I was fine with this, however. No sense in crying over spilled milk. It's sad to lose friends, but if your losing them then they weren't your REAL friends to begin with.
I was told by one friend that our lives were too different and I didn't have the time needed to hang out. I was now boring and just because I changed didn't mean they were going to. But she didn't look at the fact I was a new mom with a newborn to take care of. I didn't want to leave my baby and go party. I had diapers and wipes to buy, doctor appointments to attend. Sleep was now a precious commodity, no longer a right but a luxury.
But one thing I quickly learned is this golden rule:

You win some, you lose some.

This can easily be applied to mommy hood. While you will inevitably lose some of your non-mom friends as you are changing you will gain some new mom friends. And don't forget your TRUE friends will be around for you no matter what the situation. They will learn to adapt to your lifestyle and you still need to remember to make time for them. Involve them in stuff and when you can do some stuff they want to do. Let your partner have some daddy/child time and go out with your friends for a little bit. Call your friends and keep in touch via text/email/etc. And make sure they make time for you too. Have them over for movie night, let them accompany you to the park when you take your kiddos, invite them to birthday's, etc. Your friendships don't have to stop just because your a mom. Your true friends will stick around, they will respect the fact that your life has changed and they will still be there. They will listen to all your parenting stories from dirty diapers to lack of sleep. They won't care you have spit up on your shirt (which does happen more often than you think). Fact of the matter is when it comes to true friends you may even go months without talking but when you finally get back to it, it won't be awkward or different. You'll be able to pick right back up where you left off and both parties will be understanding.

One thing that's important is to keep your friendships many. I have friends that have older children, friends that have no children, friends that have younger children. As a mother they have all contributed to me in so many ways from helpful hints and tips to inspiration. I have been able to pass down handy tips and tricks and I have had tips and tricks passed down to me.

Even if your losing some friends you will gain more, and the true ones will stay.

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