The birds and the bees~priddymomma

Hey guys!  Thanks for tuning in with us!  We’re discussing the birds and the bees this week.  While I’m sure you have had THE TALK with your folks at some point (as this is a parenting blog with most likely parent readers), you might be uncomfortable having the same discussion with your kids.

Personally, I feel this country has a huge problem with labeling things as taboo, sweeping them under the rug, and pretending they don’t exist.  While companies might be okay with marketing sex, the general population still avoids the concept at the dinner table.  Do you have a little boy?  How did you feel the first time you noticed he had an erection?  How about your daughter?  Are you uncomfortable when she explores herself during bath time? 

{In case you are new, I’m blunt.  By now, you’ve probably noticed.}

I have a problem with making sex a taboo topic.  Sex is a wonderful thing under the right circumstances.  It brings people closer, expresses love, creates life, and feels good.  There is nothing wrong with it.  It is a natural thing.  It is your job to teach your kids about that. 

Here’s the problem:  it makes people uncomfortable.  I know you do NOT want to think of your sweet baby ever having sex, but it isn’t like plugging your ears and humming is going to change the fact that most people have sex at some point in time.  While you teach them what sex does, you don’t want to encourage them to do it right away!  I get that; however, the solution is to make it LESS taboo, not more so.

 

too much?

Do you want your kids to grow up to be polite, intelligent, honest people?  Sure you do!  Are you planning to wait until they are about to leave the house to teach them how to be polite, intelligent, and honest?  Heck no!  You are probably teaching them RIGHT NOW! 

Bingo!  Teach them now.  Teach them right now every day just the way you teach them to love and how to sing their ABCs.  “But Heather!  I could not talk to my son/daughter about sex!  He/she is 2/3/4/5/6 years old!”  Ahh.  I’m willing to bet you already have.  (Quit looking so scandalized!)  What does your child call his or her private anatomy?  You had to, at some point, make a decision on what to call those pieces when asked or when describing potty training.  Sex starts with having the right parts, does it not? 

Maybe you’ve had more of the talk than you’ve realized.  Have you talked about privacy?  Maybe you’ve mentioned that no one is allowed to touch private parts except mom/dad and the doctor/childcare provider?  Perhaps you’ve even had to make a decision on approaching your child about masturbation? 

Just for fun background, I’ll brief you on what my kids know.  Cheerio Champ is six.  When I was pregnant with Princess Cheerio, we checked out some books at the library and discussed pregnancy and babies.  He learned that sperm and egg make baby.  Babies grow in mom’s belly (I taught him uterus, but it didn’t stick.  Belly was easier for him to understand at that age) and then come out when they are too big to be in there anymore.  He had questions.  “How does the sperm get there?”  Daddy put it there.  He never asked how.  “Can I have a baby in my belly?”  No, honey.  Only women have babies.  He never asked how the baby got out.  And that was it!  Not painful at all!

Since that time, Cheerio Champ has learned that sometimes women don’t want to have babies and get medicine from the doctor to prevent pregnancy.  He knows that touching himself feels good and that if he wants to do that, it is okay, but he has to do it in his bedroom with the door closed or in the bathroom when no one else is in there.  He knows it isn’t polite to touch himself in front of anyone else.  He knows he is supposed to tell us if someone other than mom or dad or his doctor touches him there and that he is to never touch anyone else in their private areas either.  We recently discussed how people don’t usually enjoy being ogled while they are naked.  {By “people,” I meant me, and by “while they are naked,” I meant while I am toweling off after using my glass shower, why are you in my bathroom again??!}  It is a constant learning adventure! 

Princess Cheerio is only two.  She calls her private parts by the appropriate names (even though screaming “-GINA”, as she calls it, makes even me look like a prude, or like a giggling schoolgirl, depending on the circumstance).  She also knows that exploring herself is not polite to do in front of others.  This is a more recent conversation.  And the little lady likes her privacy (especially from her brother) when she tinkles.     

I’m not telling you to swing out the textbooks and videos and describe STIs (previously STDs) and contraceptives to a three year old.  I’m telling you to do your best to open the discussion with your kids by answering any questions they have as they crop up.  Make sure they know that you can and will talk with them about anything always, no matter what the topic, without fear of ridicule or judgment.  Explain topics in a way they can understand at that age range.  Use things they see on television, youtube, or ads as learning tools to opening the door for important discussions.  Make sure the information they have is accurate, kick up your feet, and know that you are doing your job without THE TALK looming in the future. 

Keeping the Spark in Your Relationship after having Kids~priddymomma

As a busy mother, I struggle to find time to visit family and friends, fit in a regular fitness activity, and take a shower.  It’s hard to find time to use the bathroom by myself, let alone finding the time and energy to shower my spouse with love.  Yet I do it.  I take time for my spouse, just as surely and reliably as I replace batteries in my smoke detectors.  A relationship is like a plant.  It needs nurturing to prosper and grow.  Just because you have exchanged your vows or found The One doesn’t mean you get to quit working.  If you bought your dream car, it wouldn’t run on hopes and dreams.  It still needs gas, people!  Just like that dream car, your relationship won’t take you anywhere if you don’t fuel it.

One of the best things to ever happen to my husband and I as a couple was reading "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  In his book, Chapman discusses how everyone has their very own way of expressing and receiving love.  Though we love our spouse or lover, and though we express it, if we don’t speak the same love language, then the message is lost.  The five love languages are words of affirmation (compliments or supporting words), acts of service (love comes through loud and clear if you just take out the trash!), receiving gifts (gifts=love), quality time (undivided attention), and physical touch (need to touch to feel loved).  After reading the book, hubby and I realized that we were constantly attempting to show love to each other, but we were speaking different languages.  I would annoy him by sticking my feet under his butt while we were on the couch.  All I really wanted was to show him love by touching, but he didn’t get the message that way.  He needed words of affirmation.  And hubby would bring home some flowers (receiving gifts) or do an errand on the way home (acts of service), but I would be upset that he didn’t come straight home after work.  I spoke the love language of quality time.  We still hit and miss every now and again, but we realize what is happening and recognize that not only do we need to try the right love language, but that we really are showing love for each other anyway.  There’s a quiz on Chapman’s website to discover your love language.  I highly suggest taking it with your spouse.  (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

Once you know your love language, the work is still not over (hint: it never will be).  Now you need to find ways to express your love through your spouse or lover’s love language.  Here are some ideas to strengthen your bond:

• Text them.  Almost everyone has a cell phone these days, and people that do not can send messages on facebook or by email.  Mention a bit about your day, tell your love you were just thinking of them, that you love them, what you plan to make for dinner, what you plan to do after the kids go to bed…you get the picture.  Use your imagination.  I sent my husband a joke today, because I thought he might need cheering up after running late this morning.

• Be faithful.  I mean that in the obvious context with the whole don’t-cheat-on-them thing, but I also mean that in all things.  Your love needs to know you believe in them.  If they have a dream, don’t knock it.  Encourage it!  Buy them something to push them towards their goals, or carve out a piece of time for them to do so.  Let them try to fix the washer!  If someone talks down about them in your presence, stand up for them.  Talk about them in the best ways to family and friends and keep your private moments private.  Don’t fight over facebook where everyone can see it.  You are meant to present a untied front to the world.  Making it public breeds hostility and can only go in a downward direction.  And use kind words with each other, even when you’re angry.  Don’t say “you always” or “you never” when those are generalizations that aren’t really true.  Don’t call them an asshole, even when you really want to.  Not even then.  Later, they will remember and have a hard time letting it go.  If you love them, show them you love them even when you disagree with them or when they let you down.  They aren't perfect, and neither are you.  Glass houses.

• DATE!!!  It makes me so very sad that people in long-term relationships quit dating.  You need to date more when in a long-term relationship than you do when you’ve just been dating someone a few weeks!  It keeps the romance alive!  It helps you focus time on just each other for a while, especially after jobs and kids.  Hubby and I go on two dates out a month, during which my mother watches the kids.  We have a date nearly every Saturday night also.  We just stay in and plan at the beginning of the week what we’re going to do that evening.  It could be as simple as baking together, having dinner together, or popping in a television series on DVD.  The point is that we are taking time to dedicate to our relationship.  And not every date has to be spectacular, and you don’t have to have a new-found love for each other every time you hold hands.  Sometimes, sure, but most of the time you are just decompressing and reconnecting.  Don’t feel guilty about taking the time from your kids.  They need a break from you too, and I totally agree with Tori on this:  your kids learn relationship skills from you.  Consider that.  What kind of relationship and marriage would you like for your sons and daughters?  I doubt you want a name-calling, bickering, blow-off for their spouse.  Kids learn by watching you. 

• Take care of them.  Set out their work clothes, bake a favorite recipe, pick up something needed from the grocery without them asking, fill up the gas tank or wash the car.  The options are endless.  When they know you were thinking about them while they weren’t around, they will feel loved.

• Be intimate!  Sex.  Yes.  It’s one of the most important things to a man, and one of the best ways to reconnect.  All those feel-good hormones and cuddling go a long way towards a happy home.  And I agree with Tori (again):  do it even if you don’t totally feel like it.  Chances are, you’ll change your mind.  And make a sex date too!  Plan ahead of time when you are going to make love so that you can both look forward to it all day, and you are less likely to make excuses or miss the time to do so (plus, you know when to shave!  Always a bonus!).

• Sex begins in the kitchen.  This is especially for all the men out there, though women, you need to know it too:  if you don’t take care of and do for your lover throughout the day, she will not take care of and do for you throughout the night.  If you watched the game rather than take her out to dinner, take care of the kids, or take out the trash, do not expect that she will be in the mindset to entertain your fantasies that evening.  Even if she didn’t feel upset about it at the time, she won’t be feeling extra loved.  If you take care of her, she will take care of you. 

• Don’t go to bed angry.  Whatever issues you have with one another, don’t take it to bed with you.  Forgive one another before turning in.  Resentment festers.  And I don’t know about you, but I can’t sleep a wink when I’m angry, but hubby can.  So then I just lay there and stare at his stupid face and get angrier an angrier until I wake him up and we finish the fight anyway.  Admit if you are wrong!  There’s no room for pride in a partnership.  You have to be vulnerable to one another, and you have to work together. 

• And for heaven’s sake, sleep in the same bed!  None of this separate beds or sleeping on the couch nonsense.  You are adults.  You can figure out how to share a bed!  It’s important as a bonding tool.  If you don’t share a bed, how likely are you to cross a room to initiate sex?  Come on!  If your lover is all over the bed, get a bigger bed!  You can learn to sleep together just like you can learn to show love to one another.  And if he’s willing to share a bed with you and put up with your snores, ladies, that’s true love right there.

• Laugh together.  Tell jokes, tickle fight, share funny stores, watch a comedy, enjoy fail videos on youtube, whatever!  Laughing time=bonding time.  Life would be so boring without laughter.  It elevates your mood and prolongs your life.

I hope you have found some useful information here that you can put to good use and to love your spouse or lover more fully.  It’s a lot of work to have a healthy relationship, but the payout is beyond amazing.  There’s no feeling in the world as comforting as knowing that there is always someone there for you, and that they will have your back no matter what happens.  You get that kind of security by loving one another and taking time to see what made your relationship so special to begin with.  Don't forget that one day your kids will be grown and gone.  The only person left with you will be your lover.  If you take care of your relationship, those can be some of the best years of your lives.

Keeping The Spark In Your Relationship After Having Kids

Keeping the spark in your relationship is so important. I know your probably grumbling: "I barely have the time for myself, let alone my partner. They just need to understand". But it just isn't that easy. Trust me I know the feeling, I have felt those thoughts. As a mother to two boys 5 and under my time is crazy! It's always hectic, chores are constant, errands are endless, the list doesn't end. At the end of the day I'm practically asleep before my head hits the pillow.

But there's one other person that we must remember, and that is our partner.

They need our love and affection every bit as much as our children need it, and here's an eye opener: we need our partner's affection back! 

Being a parent doesn't mean all the romance is sucked out of you. It's still there, even if it is buried a little deeper than before. You still have a marriage to nurture, and you still have a partner you love that loves you back. In fact it's going to benefit your children as well because they will probably even pick up on great relationship skills when they see how loving mommy and daddy are to each other.

Here's a few tips to keep your relationship filled with fireworks:

• Small gestures throughout the day

You don't have to go out and buy gifts to surprise your partner with. Those things are all nice sure (hubby if your reading this, it would be awesome if you get me some m&m's and surprise me with them. Just kidding. lol)
All joking aside take some time out of some of your days to do something sweet and romantic. Write a little note and stick it where your partner is bound to see it. It can even be on a post-it and be as simple as: " I love you, I hope you have a great day! xoxo"  or even "Your a great husband and father" or for you dads out there reading this "You are a great mother and wife, I appreciate all you do" or "I love you"
You get the idea right? Or even just keeping in touch with a sweet phone call while your at work or on break. It's just simple things to let your partner know you are thinking about them and you love them.

• Have a date night

It doesn't have to be every week but at least twice a month is probably a good idea. The possibilites for this are endless. If you have the option for someone to watch your kids you two can always get out of the house. Go do something fun just the two of you.
If you can't get out of the house or are a budget you can rent a movie, plan a game, feed the kids something simple and quick, get them to bed early and eat a quiet candle lit dinner just the two of you after the kiddos are asleep.
Just as long as your staying connected and getting in some personal time with each other. Just because your parents doesn't mean you don't deserve a little time for the two of you to be alone.

• Be affectionate

Kiss each other, hug each other, hold hands, compliment each other. Nothing has changed just because you are parents. Be in love! It will strengthen your relationship, your parenting skills, and your mood!

• Do something spontaneous

Try doing something out of the ordinary every now and again. Bake your partner something special, surprise them with a meal at work, give them a back rub at the end of the day, plan a special day and let it be a surprise. Possibilities are endless and this keeps things in the relationship fun and fresh. Plus it is always so fun to see the look on someone's face when you surprise them with something out of the ordinary.

• Make sex a priority

I probably surprised you with this one right? I'm not trying to make anyone uncomfortable but this is one of the main issues in most relationships. Those kiddos didn't make themselves after all.
Even if your tired and have had a hard day that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a little one on one fun time with your partner. Even if you don't feel like it at first doesn't mean you won't enjoy it. Sex relieves stress, helps you sleep better, and brings your closer together. You and your partner both need this time. You aren't monks after all. Enjoy life!

• Do things you did before you had kids

If you had a fun activity you liked doing together before children, don't lose it! Cook together, hike together, boat together, keep those same common interests. Seduce each other, pamper each other now and again, compliment each other, etc.

• Reminisce

Remember why you fell in love with your spouse, re-count old memories of fun times you have shared together. This helps remind you why you fell in love with your partner and it helps you stay insanely in love. Plus it's fun to remember the good memories, there are always more to come but that doesn't mean you have to forget past ones.

• Contribute to one another

Being a parent is hard work, so it's important to work together. If one parent feels like they are doing all the work it can cause resentment in a marriage. You don't want that, it will drive you apart eventually and lead to unhappiness. Instead help each other. Each parent should have certain duties, and sometimes you can even swap those duties. It keeps each parent from feeling overwhelmed and refreshes them in the process.

• Communicate

Communication is key in parenting, relationships, friendships, etc. It's a given that you need to talk to each other constantly. Talk about your relationship, even if you've been married for fifty years you still aren't able to read each others minds (at least not fully anyway). Instead of nagging be assertive and tell one another what you want. Ask each other questions about their day to let them know you are interested and care. There are so many ways to keep the communication boat flowing. Just don't let the wind stop carrying it along.

• Count your blessings

You have a partner that loves you, you have children that adore you. You are very lucky. Don't lose sight of what you have in front of you. You are very blessed. 

Hopefully some of these tips will help you out. Trust me keeping the spark in your relationship after having kids is a necessity. It may not always be easy but it's going to be fun, and your going to be as in love as ever. You both need this time together. Kids are not meant to pull each other apart but rather bring one another closer together. Just as your kids need time with their parents you need time with your partner. Keeping a good relationship with one another will show your children they have two solid, stable, parents that love each other. They will learn good skills they will carry their whole lives, and when they bring their own spouse and kids to your seventieth anniversary they will have so many great stories to tell about how you two have been in love since before they can remember.